FAMILY 02 - ADULTERY
Exo 20:14, Deu 5:18, Lev 20:10
Prohibition & definition of adultery
“You shall not commit adultery … If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death.”
- What is adultery? > sexual relations with anybody other than own legal spouse
- For married persons: adultery is the breaking or the marriage vows by having sexual relations with another person (married or unmarried)
- For unmarried persons: sexual relations with a married person. Sexual relations with an unmarried person without the commitment of marriage is also sin (the sin of fornication), but is treated slightly differently.
- All laws concerning adultery are equally addressed to men and wome
- There is no different standard for men and women for sexual behavior
- Society: higher demands on women, more ‘freedom’ to men
- Highest punishment (death penalty) on all that destroys life, marriage and family
Adultery – Breaking of marriage
- Why is God commanding this? What results if I commit adultery?
- To understand the damage adultery does > understand what marriage is:
- What is a marriage? The highest of covenants between humans
- What is promised? Much in more areas than any other covenant
> commitment to this person, this person only (unless polygamy)
> life-long commitment, permanent state till death, in whatever circumstances
> commitment in all areas … personal, emotional, physical, societal, economic
> complete entrusting, surrender, dependence, faith, vulnerability - Who can hurt you most? > Whom you trust most, who committed to you most
- To the degree it can be wonderful, to that degree is can be hurtful, if broken
- The wonder of a love responded to = the disaster of deepest trust broken
- Every love song in any culture: love commits itself to be lasting … ‘for ever’
Adultery – Effect on cheated spouse?
- Breech of trust, betrayal of faith, breaking of broken covenant, promise, word
- Beep rejection, deep insecurity, deep inferiority … most people never fully recover
- Broken trust, hard to rebuild, even if forgiven … mental turmoil
- Broken trust > fear of repetition > constant worry (where is he?), attempt to control (accounting of every minute), jealousy, comparison, manipulation, competition
- Risk of introduction of disease
- Usually higher damage on the wife, who gave up more (career, job, reputation)
Adultery – effect on adulterer?
- What happened in a person in order for an adultery to happen?
> must have ignored God and conscience continually to reach this point
> must have acted against better knowledge
> must have closed off, concealed things, lied, despised spouse in one’s heart
> must have deceived, thought about, planned … things don’t happen so easily
> maybe in the end loss of control but before: many steps one chooses - Effect on the adulterer … even if nobody knows? Even if repentant?
> shame, guilt, loss of self-respect, loss of self-confidence, loss of reputation
> still dulled conscience, lowered barriers
> memories, mental picture, inner conflict, can’t help but compare
> bad habit to fight against, once lines are overstepped > easier to overstep again
> destroyed primary relation with spouse, having to rebuild from ‘minus 200’
> un-peace, quarrel, mistrust, fear, jealousy, control > leading to further breakdown
> even if both want to go on after a betrayal it takes years of faithfulness to mend
> loss of moral authority as a father or mother (see King David) - Effect on adulterer … if unrepentant?
> seared conscience shutting off God’s voice > unable to truly relate
> emotional closing off, or self-smartness, ‘experience’, less deeply relating
> you cannot respect whom you can manipulate, you can’t love whom you can use
> destruction of marriage relationship and adverse effect on all later relationships - If ‘double-life’ > great stress on offender > great deception on all
- If breakdown > conflict, divorce, loss of family, of reputation. economic damage
Adultery - Effect on children?
- For parent to commit adultery is to question the very identity of children > rejection
- Their identity and security is threatened > deep fear, inferiority, hopelessness
- Their ‘nest’ is ripped apart > existential questions about the future
- Children think of parents as perfect > take blame themselves > “I must have done something wrong” …”I must be the reason for the problem”
- Children taking on roles they should never have to take on: having to lead, to listen to heart ache, to protect a parent or sibling, having to ‘ensure things don’t fall apart’
- Often used in the war between the parents … “you love me more than dad, right?”
- Deep rejection, often irreversible > drop off in school, mental & health problems
- Deep loss of faith in marriage, in family, in conflict resolution, in life
- Long-lasting negative impact on children from broken families > problems in school, as young adults, in own relationships, in professional development, in risk taking. Many end up with a divorce themselves
- Economic impact: In Western societies poor people are often broken family members > reduction in options, frequent moves, less than ideal circumstances
Adultery - Effect on other couples?
- With more and more marriages breaking, a discouraging influence falls on all couples, increasing fear, mistrust, control, manipulation, jealousy even ‘for no reason’
- Loss of confidence in marital faithfulness and in doable conflict resolution
- West: high divorce rate > loss of faith that marriages can be made to work
- East: lower divorce rate …why? > economic pressure, higher price paid by women
Adultery - Effect on society?
- State of family = state of the country … broken families = broken people
- Broken families > educational problems, economic problems, health problems
… most poverty in the West is in broken families > 1 salary for 2 households
… exploding welfare costs > national debt - Breaking of one covenant > the breaking of other covenants becomes more likely