FAM 07 - PARENTS' AUTHORITY & LIMITS
AUTHORITY OF PARENTS
De 5:16 , Ex 20:12 Honor your father and mother
“Honor your father and your mother, (as the LORD you God commanded you), so that your days may be long and that is may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”
Honor, same word, used in Exo 14:17-18 … God glorifying himself against Pharaoh
- What does it mean to honor? … to respect, to accept, to love, to appreciate, to value, to be in relationship, to listen to, to give importance to, to acknowledge their role, to be grateful, to obey …
- There is obedience without respect, there is also respect without obedience
- Why honor father and mother?
- > they sacrificed much for me, try to do the best for me
- > they are the origin, the source, the reason, where I come from, my identity
- > to not honor them is to deny my origin, my roots, myself. To honor them is to honor myself … if I can’t honor them, I can’t have peace with myself / self-confidence
- Even if I have negligent or immoral parents, they did one good thing: to give me birth.
- Obedience how far? How long? In everything? Are there limits? > see the 2nd part.
- Why is this one of the 10 commandments? … importance of family, of family integrity, value of life, value of protection and nurture… family is the foundational unit of society. The way families go, that way society will go.
- This is the only one of the 10 commandments with a promise: longevity & well-being
- Keeping good relationships brings blessing “How very good and pleasant it is when kindred live together in unity! … For there the LORD ordained his blessing, life for evermore” (Ps 133). God’s blessing also comes through parents that bless.
- There is a definite pass down from parents to children, though the positive pass down is greatly increased by God and the negative pass down limited: “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger … keeping steadfast love for the thousandth generation, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, yet by no means clearing the guilty, but visiting the iniquity of the parents upon the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” (Ex 34:6-7).
- Yet the pass down is not determinative: “The person who sins shall die. A child shall not suffer for the iniquity of a parent, nor a parent suffer for the iniquity of a child; the righteousness of the righteous shall be his own, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be his own.” (Ez 18:20). Each individual has choice.
- Kings & Chronicles show several complete inversions in the kingly family: very good kings have very bad sons (Jehoshaphat, Hezekiah, Josiah) and very bad kings have very good sons (Ahaz, Amon).
- Mother and father both equally deserve honor, their roles for a child may differ some but both father and mother are essential and worthy of honor.
- In average (though not always) broken families tend to have less disciplined children, leading to more instability and trouble
- Balancing of self-choice versus parents positioning a children for success. In Ge 1:28, 2:18 God gives humans a care taker calling and a world to discover God doesn’t over-direct that. In the same way parents give a foundation, principles, encouragement and discipline, helping children to discover what God calls them to.
- Question of separating families: Are orphanages, hostels, boarding schools really a good idea? Should not rather families be kept together? > encourage adoption over running orphanages, improve village-based education over creating hostels, …
- Is education more important than family? Send child to hostels or boarding schools? Hard question with no universal answer. Also depends on child’s age, child’s personality and preference and options available.
Deu 27:16 Cursed who dishonors father and mother
“Cursed by anyone who dishonors father or mother.” All the people shall say, “Amen!””
- Is this curse a ‘God-added punishment’ or is it the natural consequence of rejecting parents, and with that rejecting own identity, advice, caution, discipline? A person totally ‘on his own’, with probably little accountability and input is not a good thing.
Lev 20:9 Death penalty on cursing parents
“All who curse father or mother shall be put to death; having cursed father or mother, their blood is upon them.”
- This verse adds a government component (as death penalty is only meted out by government): somebody cursing parents can (?) or should (?) be prosecuted. The offence carries capital punishment (!) showing the importance and authority that God gives to family, to parents, to honor.
- Preceding passage prohibits child sacrifice (Molech) and being a medium or wizard or using them, which could imply that one way of cursing of parents is done by using ‘black magic’ against them.
Eph 6:1-4 Obey father and mother, fathers: don’t provoke children
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother” – this is the first commandment with a promise: 3 “so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” 4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
- Children, do obey! It is right to obey! God affirms parents as in general and average wiser, more far-sighted, benevolent in their prohibition and seeking the child’s best.
- God affirms family, family structure, leadership, the role and authority of parents.
- The command is addressed to “children”, does his mean even when adult?
- “Obey in the Lord” which may imply: ‘not outside the Lord’, not outside of the will of God > no immoral act, no criminal act, no dishonoring act, no God-denying act
- Command to fathers to not provoke children to anger, to use power and superiority to ease, annoy, anger. Those living together know how to make each other angry, but don’t abuse this. Why would a father do that? Power games? selfishness amusement? … whatever, it is not tolerable. Leadership means to seek the best of the one led, and this is not ‘the best’.
- This also implies that parents must instruct, must explain right and wrong, must give reasons for punishment, must act by principle, must mete out agreed on consequences only. For children get beaten without knowing why is unacceptable. To one day not get punished for an act and to get punished the next day sends the message not of ‘right and wrong’ (which it should), but of power, arbitrariness and situational ethic.
- Commands are given to both parents and children. This means that the parents’ authority is both affirmed and limited.
- All humans are in the image of God. My child is first God’s priceless creation, an image of God, one Jesus died for, a brother or sister in the Lord to be loved and served and respected and preferred … As parents do not do or demand anything that goes against the image of God, that devalues the child.
- Parents should not disagree or fight in front of children and never undermine each other’s authority: no ‘conspiracies’, no competing for the affection of the child, no ganging up against one parent, no “Do you like your father or mother better?”, no “Ask mother, not father”, …
- Lu 2:51 says about Jesus as a twelve year old who has just put the spiritual leaders into amazement with his wisdom: “He went down with them … and was obedient to them.” Yet Jesus as an adult does not always obey his family’s demands (Mk 3:21, Mk 3:31-35, Jn 2:4, Jn 7:3-9)
Col 3:20-21 Children: obey parents, Fathers: don’t provoke children
“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart.”
- What makes a child loose lose heart? > Not being able to do things right, not being able to please, being treated unjustly (a sibling being preferred)
- Why the command to provoke to fathers again? Why not to mothers? Maybe in many cultures much power is with the man, dealing with adults all day in economic relationships, family is a different world with different principles and needs. Mothers spend more time with children, maybe have more experience how to handle them.
- Often father’s are absent all day, often absent for business reasons. This reflect our choices, we prioritize ECO over FAM.
- the “obedience-command” is clearly to children, the “honor parents command” seems unlimited in age. It can be conclude that as an adult I am no longer under a ‘obey parents in everything’ command, but under the command to honor parents.
Luk 11:13 God is ultimate Father, but parents know to give good gifts
“Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for a fish, will give a snake instead of a fish? 12 Or if the child asks for an egg, will give a scorpion? 13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
- God’s wholehearted affirmation of parenthood, of the authority over children given first and foremost to parents. God considers parents to be the best guardians of children, in general and average (though not in every case).
- Only ‘late limitations’ of this authority. Bad families do exist. Immoral, smothering, negligent, manipulative, abusive, evil parents do exist. In this case have ‘destroyed’ their own ‘guardianship’, authority must go somewhere … but where? Authorities (GOV)? Teachers (EDU)? Doctors (SCI)? Not simple. Checks and balances needed.
Luk 7:2-10 Being under authority / having authority
“6 Lord, do not trouble yourself, … 7 But only speak the word, and let my servant be healed. 8 For I also am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes … 9 When Jesus heard this he was amazed at him”
- Centurion understands that Jesus is under authority, and therefore has authority, like he himself is as centurion.
- Those who are under authority have authority … those who obey nobody do not have authority.
- I cannot understand the legitimacy of my authority unless I can understand the legitimacy of other authorities. If I understand the rightness, importance and limitations of each authority, I can also understand my own authority. Example: A true prime minister will of course obey the instructions of a flight stewardess.
- Those who obey nobody can never believe anybody is obedient, they will think of everybody as rebels … rebels believe everybody to be rebels. Gene Edwards: A Saul can only see an Absalon, never a David. An Absalon can only see a Saul.
A basic attitude of obedience is essential
- I need to know and acknowledge, that some things can be true and important, even though I might not understand them right now.
- I need to have the humility to be willing to learn from others. If I know everything better than everybody else, I will never learn anything from them and table off at the level I am at right now
- A willingness to consider, an openness and obedience to follow a thought are essentials to learning
- To reject authority = to reject your own development
- To reject authority = to reject your own authority
- Rebels don’t become good leaders, rather they become controlling leaders, constantly fearing and suppressing rebels and conspiracies
- Warning: unaccountable “christian” one-man empires: Leaders starting their own ministries ‘by the call of God’, because they have left in conflict every ministry they ever worked under.
LIMITS OF PARENTAL AUTHORITY
Parental authority limited if damage to the child
Upfront Summary
- Are there limits to parental authority? Limits of obedience? When should I not obey? In summary some principles:
- I am not obliged to obey parents and shouldn’t obey parents in these cases:
- Not to the point of immoral behavior (Example: Father giving daughter away to friends as prostitute. Father using son to spy on others)
- Not to the point of criminal behavior (Example: Father using son in drug dealing)
- Not to the point of loss of dignity, damage to health, risk to life (Example: different forms of verbal and physical abuse)
- Not to the point of collaboration with evil behavior of parents (Example: a daughter having to do court case against own father to protect younger sisters).
- Not to the point of denying God, this is especially important for converts.
- How do we find these principle in Scripture? Here are some points:
Deu 13:6-11 No idolatry even if enticed by family
“But if anyone secretly entices you – even if it is your brother …or your own son or daughter, or the wife you embrace, or your most intimate friend – saying “Let us go worship other gods,” … 8 you must not yield to or heed any such persons. Show them no pity or compassion and do not shield them. 9 But you shall surely kill them; your own hand shall be first against them to execute them …”
- Don’t agree, don’t obey, don’t join, don’t cover for any enticement to idolatry … rather take a stand against it, accuse, prosecute, even if it’s your very own people.
- God is more important than family, God must be chosen rather than family, I must obey God rather than family (if the two stand in conflict).
- This clearly expresses a limit to the obedience to parents, to spouse and to relatives.
- “Do not shield them” … In Bangladesh culture a mother will do anything (even immoral and illegal) to protect a criminal son: lie, implicate someone else, hide, not speaking up … whatever.
- Is there a difference in whether that person is proactive in deception, or whether he is just doing his idolatry privately in a corner?
- Is this supporting ‘theocracy’? moulani theology? Landa says ‘no’. I am not sure I could substantiate that
Deu 5:17 You shall not murder
- Parents have no right to terminate life of a child … no right over life or health itself.
- How about verbal abuse? Physical abuse? Sexual abuse?
> true Giver of life is God
> true Owner of a child is God … no right to destructive behavior
> parents are caretakers under God … must give account in everything
> your child is your brother or sister in Christ, all law applying to a brother or sister applies to the child
Deu 18:10 Do not sacrifice children / make them pass through fire
“No one shall be found among you who makes a son or daughter pass through fire, or who practices divination, or is a soothsayer, or an augur, or a sorcerer,…”
- Parents have no right to involve children in evil practices, cults, sacrifice, injuring them, dedicate them to a spirit, …
Deu 23:17-18 No children into temple prostitution
“None of the daughters of Israel shall be a temple prostitute, none of the sons of Israel shall be a temple prostitute. You shall not bring the fee of a prostitute or the wages of a male prostitute into the house of the LORD your God in payment for any vow, for both of these are abhorrent to the LORD your God.”
- Parents have no right to sell, give, force children into temple prostitution
- Money as this cannot be ‘laundered’, it remains abhorrent to God. No ‘religious acts’ to redeem sin and injustice. God wants obedience, not sacrifice (1 Sam 15:22)
Lev 18:6-23 No sexual abuse of children, grand-children
“You shall not approach to have sexual relations … sister, daughter, grand-daughter…”
- Sexual abuse of children or minors (by a relative) is prohibited.
Lev 18:21 No offspring sacrificed to Molech
“You shall not give any of your offspring to sacrifice them to Molech, and so profane the name of your God: I am the LORD.”
- Parents have no right to sacrifice children, kill children, injure children in any way for religious rites. Example: Canaanite Molech cult, Shagor Puja in Hinduism, Child sacrifice for buildings / walls / bridges and the like
Limits of obedience to parents in other cases
Upfront summary
- In summary we can say that though not every case may be listed, the God gives very clear boundaries to parental authority, especially in the area of verbal, physical and sexual abuse, over-control, immorality, criminality or religious freedom not being granted to a child.
- But is there a limit to obedience to parents in other cases? Is there an age limit to obedience? A limit to obedience if I marry? Am I equally bound to obey parents as a self-supporting adult? When not living in their house any more? When married?
In the case of a marriage
Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
- In this verse God establishes that when marrying a spouses first allegiance has to be to his spouse. Parents have to be ‘left’, this is a requirement, the role of parents must change. God gives authority to the new family unit over the old family unit. God places priority on the new family over the old family, in the case of over-bearing parents he protects the new family from the old family.
- This doesn’t mean that relationship with parents has to become bad or distant after marriage, but it does mean that parents now take on a different role, the one of advisors, supporters, well-wishers.
- As a married person the basic obligation to obey parents in everything is canceled. Now the authority I live by is the common decision of husband & wife. Parents should not try to exercise control over the new family unit nor make demands.
- This command of God is especially disregarded in the case of Bangladeshi marriages, where the new wife joins an already existing household run by her parents-in-law. Though in a very good family this may work, by definition the new wife has virtually no voice, decision power or authority, but joins a wider established household. She doesn’t decide what to cook, how money is spent and what should be in a child’s tiffin box. Because she is not give a legitimate voice, her only options becomes submission or manipulation.
- Think of how much suffering could be alleviated if we only obeyed this one command of God!
How about a self-responsible adult unmarried person?
- But how about as an adult? Is there an age limit to the moral obligation to obey parents?
- If I still depend financially on my parents and / or still live in their house, then a good degree of obedience is still required.
- But how about as a self-supporting adult living on my own? In this case I am not morally bound to obey parents in every issue, though a wise child will still very much value the word of wise parents. But it is different now. I obey if I agree and see the wisdom in something. Parents come into the role of the ‘trusted advisor’, if really the parents are wise and godly in their own lives and in their advice.
- Does Scripture support this?
- The basic question is: what is my goal in raising my child? Is unquestioning, unthinking obedience in everything my goal? Though for a child growing up obedience is a necessary attitude, obedience to parents is not the real goal of child raising.
- Rather: my goal needs to be to so raise up my child that it becomes a self-responsible, wise adult, who understands good and evil and has learned to choose good – not because I command him so, but by himself, in whatever circumstances. Example: A thirty-year-old who can’t decide anything on his own and still depends on a parent’s command for everything is not a good thing.
- Jesus as an adult does not obey his family in every point. Even though they are motivated by care for him (mostly) and what they demand is not criminal or immoral, Jesus knows it to not be the will of God and doesn’t obey. See ‘FAM 13 – Jesus & his family’ for details (Mrk 3:21, 3:31-35, Jhn 7:1-5).
- Especially in the case of women, people often think that there is no such thing as ‘self-responsible adult’. But Scripture does support adult women making decisions and taking initiative even as unmarried. An example: The daughters of Zelophehad are told to ‘Let them marry whom they think best’ in Nu 36:6. This clearly shows they are making decisions as adult unmarried females.
Obeying God over family
Mth 10:37 Do not love parents / children more than God
“Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me, is not worthy of me.”
- God must be revered, loved and chosen over family. Only occasionally the choice is truly between God and parents, or God and family, but is does happen:
- Examples: A religious convert disappointing, shaming or even endangering their family. A child choosing obeying a call to missions over a lucrative career. A mother having to testify against a criminal son. A young couple having to disappoint the demands of the extended family. An employee, refusing to participate in corruption, though his family pressures him for money & using his position for unrighteous gain.
- Do not neglect family over a false, demanding religiosity, God is not served by what destroys family.
- Also: to give priority to career, financial advancement, success, prosperity or such is to invite a much harsher master, …
Mth 10:34-36 Jesus bringing division in families / persecution
“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; 36 and one’s goes will be members of one’s own household.”
Luk 12:49-53 Jesus bringing division in families / persecution
“I came to bring fire to the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! 50 I have a baptism with which to be baptised, and what stress I am under until it is completed! 51 Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division! 52 From now on five in one household will be divided, there against two and two against three; 53 they will be divided: father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law”.
- Jesus is crystal clear that God and family interests may well collide.
- God is of higher priority than family, if need be He needs to be chosen over family, family approval, family favor, family relationships, family peace
- Though family is very high in God’s priority list, it’s second to him. By enthroning him, all other things get their right place and priority … I cannot do better for my family than obeying God first.
- Also the God who I have enthroned first and foremost will tell me to love my spouse, take care of my children, etc.
- By enthroning family over God I bring trouble and curse on my family.
- Example: A self-sacrificing smothering mother who is ultimately resented by the child.
- Example: Broken marriages because the demand to be ‘everything for each other’ can only lead to disappointment and hurt.
- Example: A couple being ripped apart over manipulative demands of extended family.
- Example: A loss of calling though a wrong marriage.
- What does it mean to honor parents when I cannot obey them? … to love, to thank, to appreciate, to listen, to affirm, to take care, to be responsible, to stay in relationship, even though I may not be able to obey on this one point. Example: believing child in an atheist family, being pressured to renounce faith.