FAMILY 10 – RAISING CHILDREN
God gives the authority over children to parents
- Exo 20:12, Deu 5:16 “Honor your father and your mother”
- Exo 21:15 “Whoever strikes father or mother shall be put to death.”
- Lev 20:9 “All who curse father or mother shall be put to death”
- Deu 27:16 “Cursed by anyone who dishonors father or mother.”
- Luk 11:13 “If you..who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children
- Eph 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right”
- Col 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord.”
What are children commanded?
Command to honor parents
“Honor your father and your mother, (as the LORD you God commanded you), so that your days may be long and that is may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” (Ex 20:12, De 5:16).
- What does it mean to honor? The word is ‘kabod:’ to give weight to, to honor, to treat as important. In other words: to respect, to accept, to love, to appreciate, to value, to be in relationship with, to listen to, to give importance to, to acknowledge their role, to be grateful, to obey.
- There is obedience without respect, there is also respect without obedience.
- Why honor father and mother?
- > they sacrificed much for me, try to do the best for me
- > they are the origin, the reason, the source where I come from, my identity
- > to not honor parents is to deny my origin, my roots, myself. To honor them is to ho-
nor myself. If I can’t honor them > no peace with myself > no self-confidence.
- Even if one’s parents happen to be negligent, immoral or violent, they did one good thing: to give birth to me. Example: children conceived in rape or in prostitution.
- What does it mean to honor parents when I cannot obey them? > to love, to thank, to appreciate, to listen, to affirm, to take care, to be responsible, to stay in relationship Example: a believing child in an atheist family.
- Why is this one of the 10 commandments? It shows the importance of family, of family integrity, of the value of life, of the value of protection and of nurture. The family is the foundational unit of society. The way families go that way society will go.
- Only this one of the 10 commandments has a promise: longevity and well being.
- Mother and father both equally deserve honor. Their roles for a child may differ some but both father and mother are essential and worthy of honor.
- Jesus applies this to financial support for needy elderly parents in Mrk 7:9-13.
Command to obey parents
Eph 6:1-3 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” – this is the first commandment with a promise, 3 so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
Col 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty…”
- Obedience how far? How long? In everything? Are there limits? Obedience is …
- Not required to the point of immoral behavior. Example: Father giving daughter away to friends as prostitute. Father using son to spy on others.
- Not required to the point of criminal behavior Ex: Father using son in drug dealing.
- Not required to the point of loss of dignity, damage to health, risk to life. Example: verbal, emotional, physical abuse of children by parents.
- Not required to the point of collaboration. Example: daughter making a case against her father to protect a younger sister from sexual abuse.
- Not required to the point of denying God. Example: Religious converts.
- Not required as an adult, no controlling of parents of a son or daughter’s decisions, especially when financially self-responsible.
- Not required as a married person, no control of parents over new family unit.
- Col 3:20 are commands addressed to children. The children are commanded to obey, the parents are not commanded to subjugate.
- The link given to the OT ‘honor your parents’ command is again addressed to children, motivating them and appealing to their understanding of ‘if > then’.
- There is no other writing in antiquity directly addressing children in this way.
- For more thoughts on obedience see unit FAM11 – Disciplining Children
Command to listen to parents. Command to be wise
Addressed to children
- Prv 1:8 “Hear my child, your father’s instruction and do not reject your mother’s teaching.”
- Prv 4:1-2 “Hear, children, to a father’s instruction and be attentive, that you may gain insight; for I give you good precepts: do not forsake my teaching.”
- Prv 4:10 “Hear, my child, and accept my words, that the years of your life may be many.”
- Prv 5:7 “And now, my child, listen to me, and do not depart from the words of my mouth.”
- Prv 8:6 Wisdom says: “Hear, for I will speak noble things,..from my lips will come what is right”
- Prv 8:32-33 Wisdom: says “And now, my children, listen to me: happy are those who keep my ways. Hear instruction ad be wise, and do not neglect it.”
- Prv19:27 “Cease straying, my child, from the words of knowledge, in order that you may hear instruction.”
- Prv 23:19 “Hear, my child, and be wise, and direct your mind in the way.”
Addressed to people in general
- Prv 1:5 “Let the wise also hear and gain learning”
- Prv 19:20 “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom for the future.”
- Pr 22:17 “Incline your ear and hear my words,… apply your mind to my teaching.”
- To hear, listen, be attentive, pay heed … a willingness to learn, to accept, to receive input, to consider new things, to be humble, interested, open, respectful, engaged
- Importance of good, trusting relationship of parent and child:
- No learning without humility … if I think I know it all, I won’t learn new things.
- No learning without safety … if I am ‘fully guarded’ I will not let things in.
- No learning without trust … if I can’t let go enough to have a new thought.
- Not all parents are wise. Children need to listen to wisdom wherever it is found.
What are parents commanded?
Command to educate children
Deu 6:6-7 Responsibility to teach
“Keep these words …I am commanding you in your heart. Recite them to your children.”
- Main responsibility for character formation, value transmission, moral & religious education is with the parents, not the church, not the government.
- “Keep … recite…” Unless the parents keep the commandments in their heart them-selves, they cannot successfully pass them on to their children.
Deu 6:6-9 Teaching when? Teaching how?
“Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise.”
- Daily, practical teaching in normal life, teaching as questions or topics come up
- Communication with children throughout the day about truth, laws, values, reasons, decision making and its consequences
- Integrated approach, where teaching is reinforced in daily life in the family
“Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates”
- Visual things, reminders, symbols, memory helps … learning is a family project, where everything & everybody is involved > children feel the importance, get support
Deu 6:20-24 Teaching reasons, heart behind & context of the law
“When you children ask you in time to come, “What is the meaning of the decrees … 21 Then you shall say to your children, “We were Pharaoh’s slaves in Egypt, but the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. 22 The LORD displayed before our eyes great and awesome signs and wonders against Egypt, against Pharaoh and all his household. 23 He brought us out from there in order to bring us in, to give us the land that he promised on oath to our ancestors. 24 Then the LORD commanded us to observe all theses statutes, to fear the LORD our God, for our lasting good, so as to keep us alive, as is now the case. ”
- Parents must create a fear-free atmosphere where the child’s thinking, asking, engaging and reflecting is encouraged.
- Questions are not signs of stupidity, but of interest and intelligent engagement.
- Law is not to be taught as ‘just law’. The law needs to be taught as being based in the nature & character of God.
- The reasons for each law, the context of each law and the heart behind each law need to be explained … ‘for our lasting good’.
- Teaching rules for rules’ sake is not effective and has no lasting fruit.
Exo 12:26-27 Passover feast > opportunity to teach
“when your children ask you, “What do you mean by this observance? You shall say …”
Exo 13:14-16 Feasts in general as opportunities to teach
“When in the future your child asks you: What does this mean? You shall answer…”
- God commands several feasts (Lev 23), that were reminders of God’s history and truths. The feasts were exciting events for children, including: acting historical drama, special songs, rituals, foods, trips to Jerusalem, solemn congregations, trumpets, sacrifices, etc.
- Teach according to the child’s questions, thoughts, interests and needs. Teach at the speed the child wants. This is learner-centered and learner-driven learning.
Jos 4:5-7, 4:21-24 National monuments to teach history
“each of you take up a stone on his shoulder, one for each of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 so that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in the time to come, “What do those stones mean to you?” 7 Then you shall tell them that “the waters of the Jordan were cut off in front of the ark of the covenant of the LORD … 22 Israel crossed over the Jordan here on dry ground. 23 For the LORD our God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you crossed over, as the LORD your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we crossed over. 24 so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is mighty, and so that you may fear the LORD your God forever.”
- National monuments help remembrance & understanding of the new generation. Families need to give importance to these.
- Also ‘stones of remembrance’ of family history should be celebrated, maybe a yearly remembering a special provision or act of God on behalf of the family.
Command not to abuse parental power
Eph 6:4 Do not provoke children
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline of the Lord.”
Col 3:21 Do not provoke children
“Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart (be discouraged).”
- Why twice to fathers and not to mothers? Maybe mothers more in tune with the needs of the children? Maybe fathers more tempted to be bossy? To use superiority and power in this way?
- Why would you provoke a child? This is quite ‘natural’ and commonly done, but really why would you? It’s a using of my superiority of power and wit as parent for my entertainment, satisfaction and victory. This is not acceptable, God says.
Command to discipline children
- Meaning of discipline? How best done? > see unit FAM11 – Disciplining children
What should my goal be in raising children?
- To glorify myself as parent?
- A child’s complete obedience?
- A child’s compete safety?
- A child’s protection from the evil world?
Our goals should be
- to love, accept, secure and train the child
- to teach the child to know good and evil, right and wrong, cause and effect
- to encourage the child to choose what is right and good by itself
- from obedience towards > > > self-responsible good choices
Progression over time for the child
- Obedience to parents > > > obedience to God and good
- Dependency > > > self-responsibility
- Control > > > self-control
- Safe environment > > > good choices in any environment
- Parents deciding > > > child deciding
- Parents initiating > > > child self-motivated, initiative, pro-active
- A 30 year old son depending on his parents and obeying them in every thing is not good.
Goal of raising children is the same as God’s goal for all believers
- The way Jesus woos and disciples people, the way God treats his believers is a model for how to raise children with respect and dignity:
- > modeling
- > explaining
- > training
- > motivating
- > encouraging
- > releasing
- For a Biblical view of man & implications, see unit FAM 11 – Disciplining Children and EDU 05 – Foundations for Education.