FAMILY 11 - Disciplining Children

FAM 11 – DISCIPLINING CHILDREN

Based on Martin Schnyder “Corporal punishment in child raising”

Proverbs – the need for disciplining children

Prv 13:24 ”Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them.”

To not discipline a child means to hate it, to not serve it, to set it on a painful and destructive path, for which it will have to suffer consequences.
Diligence is needed: to be attentive, to get the facts, to follow up, to to ensure what is said is kept, to make sure a child can’t ‘get away be stalling’. All this takes much patience and commitment to really do.
To discipline on a random basis (not diligently and not consistently) is not good and not effective. It teaches the child not principle & rightness of things but arbitrariness.

Prv 19:18 ”Discipline a child while there is hope (time); do not set your heart on their destruction”

Importance of disciplining from an early age onwards. Do not start disciplining only ‘once I’m annoyed’ or ‘once things seem out of control’.
Principles, morality, values, cause and effect, actions and consequences need to be taught diligently and consistently from an early age onwards.

Prv 22:15 “Folly is bound up I the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far away”

Children are not ‘naturally innocent’ but are sharers of the human sinful nature (selfishness, pride, control), like all of us.
Unless taught and trained in a different and better way, they will be naughty, even evil.

Prv 23:13-14 ”Do not withhold discipline from your children; if you beat them with a rod, they will not die. 14 If you beat them with the rod, you will save their lives from Sheol.”

Again need for discipline affirmed. Disciplining is unpleasant for the child and also for the parent, but it still needs to be done. Do not avoid disciplining because it is unpleasant.
To not discipline means to send the child on a way leading to death.
Parents do have greater wisdom than the child > they must fulfil their leadership role.
Rod (H7626 ‘shebet’) occurs 178x, meaning rod, stick, branch, correction, staff

Prv 29:15 ”The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by a neglected child”

‘rod and reproof’ means the implementing of consequences (rod) and explaining of reasons (reproof). Both are essential to a child gaining wisdom.
An untaught or undisciplined child is in reality a neglected child. The attention, diligence & care that should have been given has been omitted. Allowing a child to do what it wants (‘Laissez-faire’) is actually a form of neglect.

Prv 22:6 “Train children in the right way (the way he should go), and when old they will not stray

Affirmation of the need and attainability of raising children well.
If foundations are well laid, there is a fair chance of them holding up later.
Foundations need to be laid in the beginning, diligently, pro-actively … attempts at correcting later will be less effective and less fair.
Check to parents: ‘the right way’, ‘the way he should go’, which is not the same thing as the way parents think he should go. Parents are limited in their understanding & view of the child. To project their own wishes is problematic.
Parents must submit to God concerning their children, and accept his choices for them. Parenting means: helping children to discover what God intended for them to be and helping them reach that goal.
Children don’t mind rules, borders and discipline as long as they are fair. Fair means: the same rules for everybody, the same rules all the time. Arbitrariness (‘one day I punish, one day I don’t’ or ‘one child I punish but the other I don’t) is a great problem.
Children will always go to the limits and test the limits, wherever you draw them. So you might as well draw them by principle and in a reasonable place. Being lenient in the hope that the children ‘won’t fuss’ is an illusion.
- Limits need to be thought about, pre-agreed on, explained and diligently maintained.
‘Spur of the moment discipline’, ’emotion-dependent discipline’, parent ‘exploding’, ‘situation-dependent discipline’ (is anyone looking on?) is problematic. It’s hard to come up with good consequences in the midst of anger or frustration.
Don’t wait till you are angry > discipline by principle while you are not yet angry.
As soon as possible use reason: explain the limits, explain the reasons for the limits, explain the consequences for overstepping the limits & rewards for respecting them.
Train the child to recognize and understand good and bad consequences.
Train the child in a sense of right and wrong
- Train the child towards self-responsibility and towards good own choices.

Understanding Proverbs rightly

Proverbs is a collection of practical wisdom, observations of reality. It is not a law text. It is not commands to obey but observations to consider.
Rather Proverbs are insights formulated wanting to stir up thinking.
Proverbs gives the reader freedom to think, to verify, to evaluate, to reflect.
Proverbs want to convince, not to command. Insight is not blind acceptance, it is to engage with what is said and to come to an own conclusion about the matter.
To accept traditions is (in itself) not praiseworthy. Traditions have no value in themselves, only in how they serve us to live good lives. Similar to Jesus’ comment about the Sabbath: it is made for men (Mrk 2:27). The same goes for traditions.

Law on rebellious youth – De 21:18-21

Though seemingly a very harsh Scripture for children, it is actually a limiting of violence meted out by parents:
Fathers and mothers do not have authority to judge a child nor do they have power over life and death of a child, even a very naughty child.
Without consent of the mother a father does not have the authority to execute a son.
Fathers and mothers do not have the authority to judge or execute a son. Only if the elders agree that there is no other way a death penalty is handed to a rebellious youth. For more details see FAM 08 – Rebellious Youth
Modern application: No honor killings! The family does not have the right to execute.

Example: Eli’s sons – words but no consequences 1 Sam 2:12, 22-24

“Now the sons of Eli were scoundrels … Eli … said to them “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealing from all these people”.

Eli verbally addresses the evil deeds of his sons, but only late, when they are adults (it seems). It’s a story of not establishing consequences and boundaries.
As their superior on the job, Eli should have ensured consequences for their behavior. He doesn’t – and nothing changes.

Example: 1 Ki 1:5-6 David’s son Adonijah unaddressed

“Now Adonijah …exalted himself, saying, “I will be king” … His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so”” He was also a very handsome man …”

Similar to above. David doesn’t apply a rod nor verbally challenge or address things.

The NT on disciplining children: not ‘beat’ but ‘discipline’

No NT passage has the word ‘punishment’ in connection with child raising.
NT scriptures concerning disciplining children use the word G3809 ‘paideia‘ or G3811 ‘padeuein‘, meaning: to tutor, to educate, train up, instruct, learn, teach, discipline, disciplinary correction, chastening, chastisement, nurture.
Occurrences: Jesus being flogged (Lu 23:16, 23:22), Moses being educated (Ac 7:22), Paul being taught by Gamaliel (Ac 22:3), believers being corrected (1 Co 11:22, 2 Co 6:9, 1 Ti 1:20, 2 Ti 2:25, He 12:5,7,8,11) and the work of the word of God (2 Ti 3:16). This breadth of use of the word shows that is doesn’t have the exclusive meaning of ‘you must physically beat the child’.
Only in Ep 6:4 does it occur in connection with child raising: “Fathers … bring your children up in the discipline / nurture (paideia) and instruction / admonition (nouthesia) of the Lord.”
Other NT Scriptures concerning disciplining children use the word G3559 ‘nouthesia‘, which means admonition, calling for attention, rebuke, warning.
Occurrences are 1 Co 10:11 concerning believer, Ti 3:10 concerning a heretic and Ep 6:4 concerning children (see above).
The only occurrence of a verb meaning ‘to beat’ is in He 12:6 G3146 ‘mastigoo‘, meaning to scourge, to flog, where it is used metaphorically.
The context in He 12:4-11 is not child raising, but the fight of every believer against sin, accepting God’s correction as a good thing.
The word ‘mastigoo’ occurs 7x in the NT, all other references are either to Jesus being flogged (Mt 20:19, Mk 10:34, Lu 18:33, Jn 19:1) or describe persecution of the believers (Mt 10:17, Mt 23:34).
In summary: the words used in connection with raising or disciplining children in the NT do not have a mandatory connotation of corporal punishment, but of a necessary corrective measure.

How to discipline children?

Can I … should I … must I use corporal punishment on my child?

In 4 passages ‘the rod’ is mentioned (Prv 13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15).
Beating children with the rod is never directly commanded, but definitely approved as a means of needed discipline in Proverbs.
Is physical punishment needed? Is is a ‘last resort’? Is is limited to a certain age? If so which age? Is it even legal in this country?
How should corporal punishment be administered? By hand? By stick? Whip? On bare skin? Or not? On the butt? On the back? On the head?
How often? If needed several times daily? When ‘needed’? When trespassing? Only rarely?
What constitutes a trespass? A slight showing of disagreement? Or stubborn repeated disobedience?
To whom administered? All children? Boys and girls? Till what age?
The principle is not “you must beat your child”, the principle is “you must discipline”, you must implement consequences to bad behavior in order to train the child.

Legal situation?

In an increasing number of countries beating children is by now illegal, a crime prosecutable in court. Many countries have outlawed corporal punishment in institutions like schools, orphanages but parents are still exempt.

UN Committee on the Rights of the Child

Definition: “Any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort, however light.”

Types of Corporal punishment

Parental or domestic corporal punishment: within the family—typically, children punished by parents or guardians
School corporal punishment: within schools, when students are punished by teachers or school administrators, or, in the past, apprentices by master craftsmen
Judicial corporal punishment: as part of a criminal sentence ordered by a court of law. Closely related is prison corporal punishment or disciplinary corporal punishment, ordered by prison authorities or carried out directly by staff.
Map: Countries allowing corporal punish-ment by the government are in purple.

Nations prohibiting corporal punishment of children

	Home	School	Penal system		Alternative care settings
			As a sentence for crime	As a disciplinary measure
Prohibited	44	117	155	116	38
Not prohibited	154	81	42	78	160
Legality unknown	-	-	1	4	-

The issue of punishment

What does ‘punishment’ mean? What goal should punishment fulfill?

If parents mete out punishment, they need to have a clear idea what it is and what its goal really is. This is not a simple question, and most parents never reflect on any of this. What aspects are in ‘punishment’?

Retribution, revenge – It is a natural human reaction to desire retribution or revenge for injustice experienced. With the Biblical ‘lex talionis’ (‘an eye for an eye’) of Exo 21:25, Deu 19:21) the retribution is limited to the damage done.
Re-establishing justice – To put a war criminal into jail will not undo the injustice he committed, but his loss of freedom seems to re-establish a sense of justice being served. The aggressor caused suffering and damage, he now is experiencing suffering and damage.
Reparation, restitution, compensation – The guilty one has to pay for the damage done and possible later consequences of the damage done. Examples: Exo 21:33 ff
Atonement, rehabilitation – The dignity and honor of the guilty one is restored. After undergoing atonement, the person can be free from guilt.
Prevention, deterrence – The goal of the punishment is to make sure the guilty one won’t do the same transgression again. Also: any onlooker is discouraged from doing the same.
Protection of society – Especially imprisonment, to protect society from future transgressions of this person. Example: repeated rape.
Enforce standards, protect values – To punish the transgression validates the standard & upholds the values expressed.

Difference of punishment in Government (GOV) and in family (FAM)

GOV: The power to punish is with the judiciary, not with family or fellow citizens. Power to punish used to be with husbands over wives and parents over children. Now this former is outlawed in many countries, and the latter is in process of being outlawed. FAM: Parents have the power over children. Therefore they need to be all the more aware that subjective or arbitrary judgement is common. Children have no advocate who protects them from wrong parental judgement about their actions and motivation.
GOV: The principle is: ‘no punishment without law’. The law has to be clear as to what a citizen may and may not do. The measure of punishment is laid down in the law. FAM: families have to work to agree on rules, and – best – also agree on consequences of transgressions. This should help parents not to mete out too harsh or arbitrary punishments, depending on their ’emotional shape right now’.
GOV: the measure of punishment is determined by the severity of the trespass. Motivation and situation has to be considered. The ‘lex talionis’ is to protect the person from too severe punishments. FAM: the measure of punishment needs to be in accordance with the trespass, but it is often arbitrary because of current anger. No punishments that reduce the dignity of the child! Consider motivation and situation.
GOV: One can only be guilty if he or she has the power to act, conscience and the ability to judge and choose: Under the law less than 14 year olds are not considered guilty, 14 to 18 year olds can be partially guilty. If a person has no ability to understand the bad consequences of his actions, he is not guilty. FAM: there is a real danger of parents demanding too much of children, and judging them not only for trespasses, but also for ignorance, ineptitude, clumsiness, learning difficulties and unintentional actions. Very often children under 2 receive most physical punishment, so at an age where ability to understand is limited.

Often physical punishment of children is motivated differently:

To let off steam or anger … not in accordance with principle & intention, but rather as retribution. Often the parents feel guilty afterwards.
Powerlessness, overtaxed … feeling powerless and not knowing what to do. Often the parents feel guilty afterwards.
Don’t know better alternatives
Punishment works and is easy … Short-term efficiency in ensuring the cooperation of the child. If used too often the effect can diminish with children ‘hardening’ or with children ‘just avoiding punishment’.

What is problematic about physical punishment

Very often the measure or type of punishment is arbitrary and is influenced not only by the trespass of the child but also by the ‘shape the parent is in today’, introducing unfairness. Punishment in child raising must have the highest for the child in mind.
Punishments are often effective in the short-term in ensuring cooperation. But they often do not bring change. Fear of punishment maybe makes the child cooperate, but if there is no surveillance, they do the same thing. Principle becomes: ‘Don’t get caught!’
Punishments – whether one wants it or not – leave an example of how to end con-flicts: the more powerful person is right. People that often received physical punishment are more likely to use physical punishment on their children, as no violence-free forms of establishing boundaries have been modelled. Also: children that are beaten are more likely to beat other children.
Physical punishment can become contradictory to the behavior I am seeking to encourage: ‘If you hit your brother, I’ll hit you’ or ‘if you aren’t nice to your sister I’ll slap you’. Does aggression prevent aggression?
Often physical punishment leaves the parent feeling guilty and the child feeling ‘I must be evil’. Punishment often not only brings pain, but humiliation and constitutes an attack on the child itself, even if only a certain behavior was meant to be addressed.
For an emotionally neglected child punishment can become a form of ‘parental attention’ which it prefers to ‘parental indifference’. The child intentionally causes problems to get at least that attention.
Those who use physical punishment must have a strategy how and when to stop using it. Most say: stop by the time the child is a teenager. Which is better than nothing, but it is an arbitrary guideline.
Arbitrary, harsh punishments can break the personality of the child, making it weak-willed, fearful, mechanically obedient and prone to further abuse. The child’s own initiative, ability to say ‘no’ or self-government cannot develop. Or alternatively a child may go for passive resistance.
Physical punishment taxes the relationship to the child. Suggested ‘hugging after punishment’ is difficult to do.

Again: The New Testament Teaching on raising children

Jesus and children

At the time of Jesus, children were considered the lowest rank of society.
Children were subjects to parents. There were no limits put on a father’s authority over his child, to discipline and to punish.
Jesus experienced a degree of appreciation and honor during his talk with the spiritual leaders at age 12 (Luk 2:47) but that was rather the exception.
Mth 19:13-15, Mrk 10:13-16 and Luk 18:15-17 all report that Jesus blessed children and gave them access in priority over adults, even leaders.
With this Jesus breaks the normal cultural hierarchies and society’s etiquette: not attending to the high-ranking Pharisees but rather to the mothers bringing children to be blessed. Jesus has been breaking norms on many other points also.
The disciples respond as per the society norm: They rebuke the women. Jesus, in turn, rebukes them and commands them to give the mothers and children access. With this Jesus puts children and adults on the same level.
Mth 18:1-5: “At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 He called a child, whom he put among the, and said: 3 Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.
The disciples ask about ranking in the kingdom, Jesus talks about even getting in. The disciples jockey for position, Jesus warns them that only humility like child will even get them in.
Jesus makes a child the model, the example to imitate. He affirms childlike qualities like humility (mentioned) and probably also simplicity, honesty, curiosity, trust, etc.
Jesus identifies himself with children: To welcome a child is to welcome Jesus. The way they treat children, that way they treat him.
Jesus makes no distinctions in his love and appreciation for humans.
Jesus heals children (Mrk 5:41, 7:30, 9:5, Jhn 4:49)
Jesus uses the food donation of a child to feed the 5000 (Jhn 6:9).
More principally Jesus puts down the ‘Golden rule’ in Mth 7:12: “In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.” which also applies to raising children.
Also the foundational Mth 22:39 “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” applies to child raising: My child is my neighbor. My child is my ‘brother or sister in Christ’, and needs to be treated accordingly. The command to parents, also, is to primarily love.
Though Jesus does not directly address the issue of raising children, Jesus’ behavior lays the foundation for child rearing: respect, esteem, high regard for the child, an appreciation for the child, treating it with dignity and love, because the child is made in the image of God (Gen 1:27) and it is crowned with glory and honor (Psa 8:5).
This is in agreement with Paul’s teaching on the subject:

Commands to parents

Eph 6:4 Do not provoke children

“And, father, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up int he discipline /nurture (paideia) and instruction / admonition (nouthesia) of the Lord.”

Col 3:21 Do not provoke children

“Fathers, do not provoke children, or they may lose heart / be discouraged.”

Why twice to fathers, not to mothers? Mothers more in tune with the needs of the children? Fathers more tempted to be bossy? To use superiority and power in this way?
Why would you provoke a child? Actually quite ‘natural’ and common, but really why would you? Fun to use superiority and power? … this ‘freedom’ of the father is given limits.
The word provoke to anger (‘parorgizo’) means to provoke to wrath, to enrage
The word provoke (‘erethizo’) means to stir up, upset, offend, incite, incense
The word lose heart / be discouraged ‘athumeo’ means to loose courage, to be dis-heartened, spiritless, broken spirit, shy, dismayed.
Why would a child loose courage if treated like this? Because it is unnecessary irritation for no good reason, a feeling of powerlessness, the one who is to protect me attacks for no reason, pleasure taken from provoking me is an over stepping of boundaries > anger of the child is actually an appropriate reaction.
The command to be obedient to parents (Ep 6:1, Co 3:20) are both immediately followed and balanced with the command to fathers not to provoke (Ep 6:4, Co 3:21).

Should ‘how God disciplined Israel’ be applied to child discipline?

Though some principal thoughts can be taken, one has to be careful:
Israel was addressed as a society of adults, with understanding, choice and accountability for their actions.
Israel was able to understand good and evil and powerful to choose either good or evil. Therefore they are fully capable to be guilty.
Yet even so Israel most often blamed God for the judgements he brought. The judgements had both punitive and teaching function. “Why should any who draw breath complain about the punishment of their sins? 40 Let us test and examine our ways, and return to the LORD. Let us lift up our hearts and well as our hands to God in heaven” (Lam 3:39-41).
For a child this situation is different: A child, especially when young, has limited understanding and insight, and can only partially foresee consequences of its choices and is not always free to choose.
A child’s capacity for guilt is therefore of a much more limited nature, therefore punishment is much more questionable.
Yet it is exactly small children that are most often given corporal punishment.
Another reason this comparison is difficult: God often waited decades to judge, displaying humility and incredible patience. This can’t be applied easily to child raising, where consequences shouldn’t be delayed. With children: The more delay there is between offence and consequence, the less efficient the punishment will be.
Another reason this comparison is difficult: God himself says that he was most often unsuccessful with his discipline of Israel: “Hear, O heavens … for the LORD has spoken: I reared children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me. 3 The ox knows its owner, and the donkey its master’s crib; but Israel doesn’t know, my people do not understand.” (Isa 1:2-3)

How to discipline without corporal punishment

Nut punishment but behavior change

In child rearing a discipline should never be for punishment’s sake, but and intervention that causes a lasting improvement of behavior. The goal of discipline is the learning of good and appropriate behavior.
The question becomes: How does a child learn to behave in a certain way?

Example: Mother and Rubel

4 year old Rubel plays outside with some other children. Mother calls through the window for Rubel to come in for lunch. Rubel doesn’t respond. After 3 Minutes mother calls again, a bit louder. Rubel doesn’t respond. Mother calls for the third time, with a tinge of annoyance in her voice. Rubel doesn’t respond. Mother calls for the 4th time, now screaming and threatening him: “If you don’t come right now I’ll spank you with my own hand and won’t let you go play after lunch.” Rubel still hesitates a moment, then takes leave of his friends saying “I think I should go now” and slowly makes his way towards the house.
What has Rubel learned? … When mother calls for the 1st time, I don’t need to pay attention, nothing happened when I didn’t respond. Also the 2nd time I don’t need to pay attention, nothing happened either when I didn’t respond. He also learned that if mother is screaming and threatening, then it is better to take her seriously, there could be unwanted consequences. He goes, but only slowly, because he is quite sure mother will not make her threats a reality.

Process of learning (especially of younger children)

Rubel is learning from his observation and experience when a word of mother has to be taken seriously – and when not. The following factors will influence him:

Consequences by mother

If Rubel experiences no consequences from mother for his behavior, he will conclude that her word can be ignored, it doesn’t really concern him.

Time lapse between his behavior and the consequence

If the consequence is only applied a day later (for convenience or other reasons), then the child will struggle to make the connection between his behavior and the consequence.

Consistently applied consequences

If the consequences are applied only sometimes, depending on the ‘mother’s emotional shape today’, the child will struggle to make the connection:

	Rubel’s response	Consequences by mother	Time lapse	Sometimes or always?
1st call	none	none	none	Seems to always be so
2nd call	none	none	none	Seems to always be so
3rd call	none	none	none	Seems to always be so
4th call, screaming threatening	Starts going	consequences may happen	Time needed for coming in	Sometimes mother acts as she threatened

The mother’s message to Rubel is inconsistent, even confusing: Sometimes she really means what she says, but often she doesn’t.

Not punishment but behavior change

The following factors are decisive:

A positive relationship

For all aspects of child raising the principle applies: “relationship before discipline”. A positive relationship is more important than disciplining. Parents need to work on a continual flow of positive events for the child: expressions of love, praise for things well done, attention, play and fun times, touch, hugs, etc.
Please note: The 10 commandments also start with a description of what God did for Israel (Exo 20:2) – the caring, delivering God – before he commands anything.
Also: any commandment of God is for the best interest of humans, not for the convenience of God. “The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul … the decrees of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is clear, enlightening the eyes…” (Psa 19:7-8).

Communication

Mother takes Rubel aside, not when the problem surfaced, but at an emotionally uncharged moment earlier.
In this way communication is not dominated by mother’s annoyance or anger. Once anger is present, Rubel will be afraid, and will focus more on the threat than on the content of the communication.
Again: God did not communicate the 10 commandments at a moment of crisis in Israel, but at a moment of ‘taking them aside’ to the wilderness.
The mother formulates the asked for behavior in positive terms. Not ‘you must not remain outside when I call’ but ‘when I call you come straight in’. It’s easier for children to focus on what they should do than on what they shouldn’t do.
Also if handled like this mother doesn’t have to come up with ‘appropriate consequences’ in the moment of crisis or anger, and later feel bad about what she said or threatened. Pre-agree on consequences and communicate them.
Mother needs to explain things to Rubel normally – when she is not screaming, – otherwise Rubel will conclude that only when screaming mother is serious.
Mother explains to Rubel: “The way things are going right now are a problem for me. Then I get angry, and then that’s also is a problem for you. I want things to work differently: When I call you next time, you come when I first call. If you do not come, I will come get you and take you by the hand to bring you in. Because this costs me time, you will have to help me clean up the dishes after lunch.”

Do exactly and consistently as pre-agreed

If mother does exactly that next time round, Rubel will conclude that mother’s words have meaning and are to be taken serious.
Consequences must be implemented consistently, not later but immediately, not sometimes but every time. When Rubel experiences and observes that mother follows through on what she said each time, then he learns that her word has weight, and that what she says she will really do.
Rubel may already respond better the next time, or he may want to test how serious mother is. Mother then needs to do exactly as she said, not angrily, but determinedly, after the first call go and take him by the hand and bring him in etc. No big preaching or scolding is needed. Implementing consequences consistently will get the message home.

Praising appropriate and good behavior

When Rubel obeys, mother praises him for it. Often children are scolded immediately for bad behavior but hear little praise for good behavior. That should not be so. Praise is essential for Rubel to learn to behave differently and better. He then experiences a positive attention for appropriate behavior.
Especially smaller children may not fully understand the explanation mother gives.
That is not a problem as long as the mother acts consistently as per her word. The child understands that. The rule is meant seriously – whether or not the child understood it.
But as the child grows up, the job or goal of the parent changes (see visual):
Small children are very much dependent on parents. The parents take direct influence, provide the needs of the child and determine what the child is doing.
The fact that parents establish structures, habits, clear rules and consistent consequences give the child security and helps them to put down good roots.
But once children grow older, they should be encouraged to self-determination. They need to be given wings. The influence of parents needs to decrease. Discussion, evaluation and negotiation become increasingly important.
The need to consistently keep agreements, both parents & child, remains. Teenagers need to learn that certain rules remain, to break them will bring on consequences. Self-government is not only freedom but responsibility.

Distinguish between punishment and Consequence

Some aspects of punishment and consequence overlap. A child may experience a consequence as punishment or a punishment as consequence. Yet there are differences:

(Corporal) Punishment	(Logical) Consequence
Often for punishment’s sake	Goal is the child’s well being
Focuses on punitive measures	Focuses on learning
Often focuses on person	Focuses on issue at hand
Highly emotional	Relevant to issue > less emotional
Child learns little	Child learns more and more effectively
Focus on breaking of the rule	Focus on meaning or reason of the rule
Parents model the use of violence	Parents model the use of reason
Children may learn to use violence	Less a danger
A young child may ‘swallow’ punishments	Corporal punishment harder to accept as child gets older, reason works better

Consistent consequences strengthen the child’s understanding of the Biblical concept of choice, responsibility and cause and effect, a core teaching of both Old and New Testament.
Winston Churchill once said “The price of greatness is responsibility”. This shows that responsibility has to do with honor and dignity. Children that are confronted with the consequences of their actions learn that they are somebody and that their actions have a weight and significance.

Objections

Many say that one cannot raise children without corporal punishment, which reflects what has been believed for centuries.
Yet: Child care centers get children that have been raised by a variety of approaches. They are under strict rules: total prohibition of corporal punishment. A slapping of a child can lead to the immediate cancellation of one’s job. How then do they do it?
First: ‘relationship before discipline’. The child needs to be supported and cared for as it gets used to the new place. The child needs to feel accepted, loved an appreciated.
If a child then shows bad or inappropriate behavior the care takers intervene at once, in a friendly but determined way, declaring to the child that this is unacceptable. They show him or her what to do instead. Depending on the situation the child is for a short time removed from the situation. The child is given explanations (increasingly with age) and is told what the consequences of breaking the rules are (Example: being removed and sat into a child chair for a short time, it needs to apologize to the offended child or do something for that child …). Good behavior is praised.
Again: factors that help a child learn the rules: relationship, communication of clear rules and consequences, consequent and immediate implementation of consequen-ces upon breaking the rule, praising for good behavior.
Usually children learn within a very few days, with a very strong-willed child it may take two or three weeks. This can be hard and tiring work, but all in all it is amazing how quickly children learn.
Often upon seeing the parent in the evening the child falls back into earlier behavior patterns. Children learn very quickly, whose word they have to take serious, and whose word means nothing.

Love (forbearance, patience) or discipline?

Both are needed at all times: love and discipline. Strict discipline is not to ‘establish who is boss’, but the motivation needs to be to help the child learn good behavior and the value of the agreements.
In the long run consistent implementation of consequences brings clearly more peace, ease and freedom. Not every intervention becomes a ‘battle of the wills’.
Yet love is decisive: What is needed is a consistent implementation of consequences out of love as per agreement – which is the best both for parents and children.
Discipline needs love. Love needs discipline. For love’s sake be consistent!

A model of different styles of child raising

The following model shows that the style of parents is influenced by two basic dimensions, which results in 4 tendencies:

Indifferent style

Little rules, limits, little intervention, little acceptance, warmth, care or interest. The parents are not accepting their responsibility to raise the child.

Indulgent Style

Little rules, limits, little intervention, but warmly accepting and attentive. The parents do not take responsibility for the behavior of the child. Typically the child dominates the parents.

Authoritarian Style

Many rules, many demands, much control, but little support, warmth or acceptance. Whatever the child does, it’s barely good enough. Obedience is considered of paramount importance. The child’s self-initiative or self-motivation is discouraged. By punishment the child is made to adjust.

Authoritative Style

The following model shows that the style of parents is influenced by two basic dimensions, which results in 4 tendencies:

It was found in many studies that children raised with the loving but consistent style (4) had a higher view of themselves, showed less problematic behavior, were less depressive, more courageous, physically in better shape and better at school.
Some add a third dimension: Allowing and encouraging independence.
It has been shown that children raised by style 4 are by far more self-confident, self-responsible, willing to contribute and able to live in community

What is the role and importance of obedience?

Based on Gen 8:21 “the inclination of the human heart is evil from youth” Christians for centuries have understood the goal of child raising to be: ‘driving out’ or at least ‘breaking’ that evil inclination and by the rod make the child obedient to God and to authorities.
Undeniably disobedience (or rather a breech of trust) was what caused the fall of humankind. And off course obedience is important.
But one should not overlook the very different tone in Genesis and onward:
- All fruit of all trees are allowed freely save one (Gen 2:16-17). With an estimated 30’000 species of trees in the world and an uncountable number of individual trees this surely is not a small-minded command. It’s 29’999 times ‘you may freely’ against one time ‘you must not’. God did not make humans for obedience, but for fellowship and life
- The Sabbath was made for humans, not vice versa (Mrk 2:27).
- God loves mercy and not sacrifice (Mth 12:7).
- God doesn’t call us servants, but friends (Jhn 15:15).
- The instructions for obedience in Eph 5 are introduced by the command to submit to one another, relationship on the basis of love, honoring and preferring one another (Eph 5:21).
- God does not conquer humans by force and superiority, he sends his son as a vulnerable baby and later as one different voice to woo our hearts.
- Yes he is the holy and jealous God, but even in this is put into perspective with a much more far-reaching mercy to a 1000 generations (Exo 20:5-6).
- For freedom Christ has set us free (Gal 5:1).
- All things are lawful, but I will not be dominated by anything (1 Cor 6:12). All things are lawful, but not all things are beneficial (1 Co 10:23).
Obedience is essential for smaller children because they cannot understand dangers or evaluate consequences fully .. anything from traffic rules, eating nutritious food to cleaning teeth has to be learned. Also consideration needs to be learned: parents also have needs that children should learn to respect.
Parents are authorized by God to teach and lead children in their process of learning and growing. But the authority given is always in accountability to God, who is the source of all authority. Jesus commands those who lead to serve the followers (Mth 20:26-28), therefore obedience of children is not for the convenience of the parent but for the highest of the child.
The following is a summary of a detailed teaching. See ‘EDU 05 – Foundations for education‘:

A Biblical view of man and its effect on child raising

The Biblical view of man bases on Gen 1:26-27, humans are made in the image of God. What follows?

Humans are God-dependent

Humans are made with person-hood like God. Humans’ dignity is in their relationship and dependence of God. The deepest fulfilment of man is in being what God meant him to be.
Raising a child needs to reflect that humans are only fully human if they are in relationship with God. Yet this is the choice of each individual. No excellence or effort on the parents’ side can ‘ensure’ salvation.

Humans are made for relationships

Being in the image of God forever anchors a the high value and dignity of man (Psa 8:5-9). Humans therefore deserve to be treated with respect. God himself so loved humans that he gave his only Son.
Yes, it is true that the child inherits and has a sinful nature and “the inclination of the human heart is evil from youth” (Gen 8:21). And Jesus clearly taught the need for repentance because of sin. But what characterizes Jesus’ life is not a ‘judging of humans’ but the amazing respect and grace that he treats humans with, and especially those that were looked down on by society.
Conviction of sin is not the job of parents, but of the Holy Spirit. Parents must find ways to safeguard their children’s dignity, value and honor.

Humans have free will & Responsibility

Humans – like God – have a free will and are powerful to make decisions.
God gave humans all freedoms and one prohibition, and the power to break it. In breaking the one command they refused God that place in their hearts, declaring themselves above God. God had said before that death will be the result of such a choice. Yet death is not immediate, humans are given time to live out their choices.
When God sends Jesus to redeem humans the offer comes as exactly that: an offer, that can be rejected. The decisions made by humans have consequences that cannot be denied or escaped “for you reap whatever you sow” (Gal 6:7).
This is not a threat, it is part of that dignity and power that God has given to man: man’s decisions are real, their choices have weight, even God won’t ‘undo’ them …

Humans have self-determination

Humans, being in the image of God, have a desire for self-determination.
Though human self-determination has limits, God gave them the mandate to take charge of the world, which presupposes a degree of self-initiative, self-determination, self-government, self-awareness and self-control.

Humans are communicators

Humans – like God – are people of communication. Communication presupposes person-hood, self-awareness, self-determination, an objective reality and free will.

Humans have calling & creativity

Humans have a mandate, a calling given by God, are given authority and are equipped by God to fulfill it. With talents come responsibilities and the ability to be creative and active – like God. In doing so humans experience joy, satisfaction and dignity. All throughout history God involved humans in significant and worthy work.
Parents need to help the child discover its talents and encourage it to use them to contribute positively – and find joy in doing so.

Humans are equally valuable

There is a Biblical command to love oneself and to love the neighbor. These two command are in tension. They presuppose the equal value of all humans.
To focus on my wants and needs only is to be selfish and to end up in unhealthiness and isolation. To focus on others’ wants and needs only is to loose myself and my personality and to end up in unhealthiness also. If all humans are equally important then there needs to be mutuality and a dynamic consideration for all.

Humans are enjoyed by God

God expressed joy, satisfaction and enjoyment of what he made. “May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works” (Psa 104:31).
This counteracts the century old typical Christian understanding of God as ‘enduring humans’ and of pleasure as being sinful.
Jesus says “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (Jhn 10:10). In the midst of all the misery of the world that Jesus suffers with, he lives an affirmation of life: He does his water to wine miracle to ensure a wedding not being shamed, he is known for feasting with collaborators and sinners, he enjoyed personal friendships (for example with Lazarus, Martha and Mary), he lets the sinful woman lavish a very pricey gift on him, he has breakfast ready for the tired night-fishers (Jhn 21:9).
In raising children parents need to include celebration, fun and pleasure with measure, and occasionally even beyond measure. Children that have been loved, enjoyed, appreciated, encouraged and taught to love themselves and others, end up having far higher social competencies than others.

The modern way to describe what is needed for child rearing

Parental appreciation > relationship, love, honor, dignity
Parental demands & limits > responsibility, self-determination
Encourage self-government > free choice, calling, talents, creative work

FAMILY 11 – Disciplining Children